Walking to Valspar - the increasingly angry songs of Melinda Vulluvette

by Melinda Vulluvette (with help from Brooke Abbey)

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about

There is an ongoing D&D game that happens at filk & general sci-fi conventions, run by Dr. Wesley Crowell (DM, MD,) called Abandoned. I sat in to watch the first session and fell in love with it. I meant to just stay and watch for a few minutes before going off to open filking with my banjo, but the story-telling and evil grins sucked me in and before I knew it four hours had passed. I was so keen to see what was coming next that I convinced Wesley to show me the story notes in advance for the next session, promising not to spill the beans to his player characters. There was a bard mentioned in passing as singing a song called "Never Hurt the Band" as a humourous aside in a bar brawl, and when I saw this I immediately begged to be allowed to write a real song for her. And so Melinda Vulluvette, accidental angry bard of Valspar, was born. Now whenever I can make it to a con where a game session will happen, the DM writes my character in and I play a new song for the party, usually about what fuck-ups they are.

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released January 16, 2016

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about

Brooke Abbey Vancouver

Brooke Abbey (formerly Brooke Lunderville) is a banjo-playing pharmacist from Vancouver, BC.

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Track Name: Never Hurt the Band
Welcome to the Dog & Bastard
Wendar's best place to get plastered
There's just one rule to understand
And that is NEVER HURT THE BAND

We'll give you all plus one to save
PLEASE JUST KEEP US FROM THE GRAVE
So, come on, take a music stand
AND KEEP THOSE VAMPIRES OFF THE BAND

And if it isn't too much trouble
Please attempt to keep the rubble
Off our brand new baby grand
AND ALSO NEVER HURT THE BAND

If you manage not to fail
We might just offer discount ale (spoken: MAYBE.)
So won't you lend a helping hand?
GOOD DRINKERS NEVER HURT THE BAND
Track Name: The Church of the Traveller
The Church of the Traveller is sacred to me G Csus4 G ( Gsus4 G )
Sometimes I'm moved to get down on my knees G Csus4 C (Csus4 C)
(Darryl likes that.)
It's not that I'm shamed that you've found me defrocked G Csus4 G (Gsus4 G)
But don't you adventurers know how to knock?! F C G
(I'M JUST ASKING.)

I'm glad that you heeded my other song's call
So my band wasn't hurt in your vampire pub brawl
But my gratitude's definitely going to fade
If you don't move along while I'm trying to get laid

It's not often a wizard's respectfully hushed
Or are you just impressed? Oh, you've made Darryl blush!
(He's just jealous, honey)
Weren't you all going to Vals-- ...you know what, I don't care.
If you must, you can stay here. HOW ABOUT UPSTAIRS.

Take a hint.
Track Name: Just. One. Job.
Your party seemed impressive G
When you visited my inn F C
When you didn't die in church F C
I thought "these guys are out to win!" G

I'll give them JUST ONE JOB G
For which I'm sure they're qualified F C
Let me tag along to Wendar F C
And make sure that I don't die G
Did you notice? That last part?
PRETTY SURE I SPECIFIED

I should have checked your references
Before this sorry venture
I might have noticed "Right! The gang
Who LOST all of their mentors."

LOST. LOST THEM.

You guys had JUST ONE JOB
And it wasn't even hard
Not an epic quest or mission
Just TRY NOT TO LOSE THE BARD

You seemed so tough and skillful
So resourceful and so clever
But you just let me be kidnapped
So like, WORST COMPANIONS EVER

You guys had JUST ONE JOB
Please just keep me far from perils
Next time you folks come around
I'll stay home with my Darryls

Assuming I EVER GET HOME. Did I mention you let me be KIDNAPPED.
Track Name: Thad's Back, Baby
The first time I met good old Thaddeus Tomb
The smell coming off him would clear out a room
All recollection of that powerful funk
Is gone now I know how he tips when he's drunk

He'll buy the next round! He'll buy the next round!
If you don't know who I mean you're gonna have to look down
He may not be tall, pure of heart, or a hunk
But by god the gnome's generous when he is drunk!

Where's his cash from? You should probably not ask
Just enjoy the largesse that flows out from his flask
He's a bold and heroic explorer, I bet!
I don't ask that kind of question while he keeps my throat wet

He'll buy for the room! He'll buy for the room!
Raise a toast to that treasure-lord Thaddeus Tomb!
The ladies can tell you he's sure not a monk!
Let's all sing out CHEERS to that glorious drunk!

In the morning's he's off for adventure's enjoyment
Or whatever he does in place of gainful employment
May your fingers be quick! May your sword freely stab!
May you come back alive and pay off your tab

He'll buy the next round! He'll buy the next round!
If you don't know who I mean you're gonna have to look down
He may not be tall, pure of heart, or a hunk
But by god the gnome's generous when he is drunk!
Track Name: 800 Years of Glaring
800 years of glaring
My anger increasing the longer I stood here alone
800 years of glaring
Waiting for someone to free my flesh from the stone

And thanks for that, but I can't say I'm surprised
That when shit goes south I run in to... you guys

Seriously, what is it with you heart's delvers.

800 years of glaring
Reaching to strangle my agent with marble hands
800 years of glaring
I'm the kind of girl who prefers one-night stands

What year is it now? Is my music forgotten?
Is my family all right? Are my Darryls still hot?

The gnome Darryls were... not the same.

800 years of glaring
My furious face transformed from fire to ice
800 years of glaring
Glaring and wishing I'd read the contract twice

800 years of glaring
800 years of glaring
800 years of... compound interest
GUYS WE ARE GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE AND I AM GOING TO HELP

*inspire courage*
Track Name: Melindarokinian Anthem
Hail to Melindarokin! Our home and seat of trade!
Whose fertile Streel Plain e'er ensures our debts will be repaid!
Where every firstborn's name is Darryl!
A tradition passed down through the years
It's confusing but we must appease our bard
She Whose Cheques Will Always Clear

Hail to Melindarokin! Land of the Vulluvette's sweet groove!
Bow down and praise her albums or your loans won't be approved! Though many years have passed without her
Her bearded messenger made plain
The Diva shall one day return to us
And collect her vast capital gains

Hail to Melindarokin! Our beloved native land!
Our mighty navy stands ready for the Battle of the Bands!
Our chancellors must learn the banjo
Just one of our Bard Queen's many rules
Some of them may seem capricious
But she's REALLY rich and we're not fools

Hail to Melindarokin! Our home and seat of trade!
Whose fertile Streel Plain e'er ensures our debts will be repaid!